Today I continue my series on the characteristics of authentic friendship. Last week, I reviewed characteristics including affection, kindness, love, virtue, sympathy, and empathy. Today I want to look at additional characteristics including honesty, altruism, loyalty, generosity, forgiveness, and compassion, from a biblical perspective. More could be said about this idea of friendship. beyond these attributes. My intent is to encourage thinking and meditation about authentic friendship. If you had to describe the characteristics of friendship, or what makes it authentic, what more would you add? I would like to hear from you.
Authentic Friendship Characteristics
One of the characteristics of authentic friendship we can relate to is honesty. A friend is willing to tell us the truth – this can be useful and vital in days of hyper-criticism on social media.
If your friend was predominantly a liar and dishonest, the person would not remain a friend> Otherwise the friendship would remain superficial at best. Could you imagine a relationship built on deceit and unpredictability? Honesty is needed for dependability and trustworthiness in a relationship!
In Genesis chapter 30, the story of Jacob describes the end of years of deception and manipulation. If Jacob had been more honest, he would have had a more enriched life, earlier on. It took him a few years, and a meeting where he had to wrestle with God before he got himself on a good footing with honesty. Proverbs 24:26 says “An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips.”. When we can keep honesty in the relationship, we have trust, and desirable responses.
Altruism is the idea of looking out for the interests of another person, but with the added twist that it is done from a disinterested state (i.e., there is nothing in it for you) .
The closest biblical narrative that comes to mind is the command stated in Luke 6:31 “Do to others as you would have them do to you.” If you think about it, this command is NOT expecting that you will get something back. It is merely recommending that we do things because that is what we would want someone to do it for us. In authentic friendship, knowing the person may be all we need. There is a mutual understanding that we will be helpful to each other as circumstances come up.
Altruism also comes to mind when I think of soldiers and heroes, These are people who do it for no reason except that it needs to be done. In many ways, our concern for others is a concern for humanity. Humanity needs to continue, so concern for humanity is an altruistic motivation.
The story of the good Samaritan is a great example of altruism. In Luke 10, Jesus tells the story of a young man who was mugged. A Samaritan provides aid and money to help the young man recover. Then Jesus asked: 36 “Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?” 37 The expert in the law replied, “The one who had mercy on him.” Jesus told him, “Go and do likewise.”
We do not have to be a true friend to all, but it is a part of our humanity and our Christianity to be altruistic to the people around us.
Loyalty is the attitude of ongoing support. There are countless stories of loyalty in the Old and New Testament to describe it. One of my favorites is the story of Ruth. She married a son of Naomi, and after some time all the men in the family of Naomi had died. The story was bleak. No family, little support, and not much likelihood of income.
And yet, Ruth opted to stay with Naomi. Authentic friendship with no familial relationship, just an atmosphere of ongoing support 16 But Ruth replied, “Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. 17 Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, if even death separates you and me.” 18 When Naomi realized that Ruth was determined to go with her, she stopped urging her.
Loyalty among friends is an example of Ruth and Naomi’s relationship. There is never a moment of ‘have to’. It is always a matter of ‘want to’.
To be generous is to actively provide more than what is expected in material or time. It is likely that one occasion exists to not feel generous — at the time when we do not trust. I know there have been countless times when I see a pan-handler, on a corner, begging for money. When I have some certainty that the beggar has a genuine need, it is much easier to be generous. When the pan-handler is dishonest I have no desire to help. Generosity in the midst of distrust leads to feeling shortchanged.
Proverbs 11:25 says “A generous person will prosper; whoever refreshes others will be refreshed.” In our relationship with friends, our generosity may range from very little to quite a bit, depending on needs and circumstances.. When an occasion calls for significant giving and there is trust, the sensation is one of reward, and we are enlarged by the act.
Forgiveness is the opportunity to put aside feelings of resentment when someone has wronged you. It can be one of the hardest characteristics of friendship to master. Among friends, to forgive is a challenge. A wedge of resentment between two people can become a major separation event.
Lack of forgiveness can cause a division that ends a friendship. Lack of forgiveness interferes in a relationship. The act of forgiveness may restore a relationship.Sadly, forgive does not mean forget – the action can still leave a sour dark cloud in which requires healing and it takes a while for full friendship to return. The element that can make healing faster is love and compassion. Psalm 103 has a comforting verse that describes God’s love for us with forgiveness:
11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
13 As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him;
Compassion is the feeling associated with one’s distress over another person’s plight, and the desire to do something about it. I can give a man a fish to eat, or I can teach him to fish so he eats for a lifetime. Both are compassionate acts, but the act of teaching provides an extra dimension to the compassion. In respect to friendship, compassion is normal and not unexpected.
There are many verses in the Bible about compassion. We have a great God who has compassion on us. God is distressed over our plight in life, and has chosen to do something about it. Mark 6:34 –When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them, because they were like sheep without a shepherd. So he began teaching them many things.
Compassion for a friend requires that we recognize their plight, and care enough to do something about it. Jesus gave an example of this in Mark 8:2 “I have compassion for these people; they have already been with me three days and have nothing to eat.
God’s compassion on humanity comes out of his great love. The story pf the Prodigal is an example story of love and compassion between father and son. We can be loved and appreciated regardless of the history between the people involved. Love helps anchor it together. Luke 15:20 So he got up and went to his father. “But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.
I hope that these characteristics of authentic friendship have provided some things to consider. I recognize that we do not have to be a Christian to be or have a friend. The characteristics of frienship are present whether you are a Christian or not. Something happens when Christian friendship is in the mix. Kelly Needham describes it as “companionship forged in the fire of two convictions: 1) Jesus alone can satisfy the soul and 2) his kingdom alone is worth living for.”
The opportunity to meditate on friendship from a Biblical perspective is probably not something many of us have considered before. We gain the benefit of an extra dimension of thought in our friendship with God, and with other brothers and sisters in Christ. Christian friendship means we will never be lonely, and we are bound to an enriched life with meaningful personal growth.
